Depression has impacted my life for years. Some of the ways it manifests now are as follows:
- It robs me of time and energy
- It makes me feel deeply sad, suicidal, or even simply numb
- It turns me toward numbing behaviors (binge eating, watching television, remaining completely inactive) so I don't have to focus on how I feel.
- It robs me of things that make me happy... no desire to go anywhere, play music, craft, or study French.
- It makes me less open to physical contact.
- It leads me to brood more than necessary about my interactions (or lack thereof) with my friends, family members, and girlfriend.
- It sucks my energy so much that sometimes I literally cannot get myself out of the house to go to choir or band rehearsal.
- It leads me to pull back from others and assume their lack of reaching out to me is because of something that is wrong with me/disinterest in a friendship with me. It feels like nobody would go out of his/her way to help me without being asked.
- Negative self-talk... All. The. Time.
Some of the catalysts of my depression this year have stemmed from dissatisfaction with and stress in a hostile work environment with too many hours, significant weight gain/poor body image, lack of time for multiple music-making opportunities and other activities of interest, lack of friends who share physical space with me and reach out or respond back to me with a "Yes, let's get together!" attitude, grad school taking up a lot of free time and offering an abundance of stress, and missing my friends and colleagues where I used to live. This has been a busy year and a lonely time. Severe feelings of isolation have come lately, due especially to my new stay-at-home (but get up at 2 am) job and my girlfriend returning to the classroom. We basically have opposite schedules right now and only spend a fair amount of time together on the weekend. Some days I struggle to get out of the apartment, and I just let depression sink its teeth in instead. I am really enjoying my new job, and I have more time that I could be using to better myself.
I am interested in determining a goal that would get me working to become physically stronger. I don't know what that is yet, but it's in my head. I got a membership at the YMCA, so maybe I'll actually use it for something good. Thanks for reading. I appreciate you very much.
Karen
1 comment:
There is an invisible string that goes from you to me and I know you are sad and angry even when you don't say so. I am sad because I would love to spend that time with you and do some of the things you enjoy. I do my best to reach out and cheer you from here.
I think you are brave. I have depression too. It's hard to keep forcing oneself out. I have friends who check in once in a while and the bear but without the choir and church and a few other things I would have no reason to go out.
I worked from home and it's not fun, not like people think it will be. I had to get out of the habit of waking up ten minutes before reporting in slouchy clothes or pajamas.
I am in counseling though less often than I used to be. I think I binge eat and choke up my schedule so I have less time to think although thinking is all I do.I count a good day when I hear from you and a different kind of good day when I manage to hear from you and your sister.
Maybe all the moving we've both done since 2005 is a symptom of the depression, always looking for something better in fit or something. I'm tired of moving and maybe you are too, in deep ways that you don't understand. The death of Joe, so young and unexpectedly from cancer, has made me feel very alone and sad.
I love you, never judge you and want you to find that inner happy place if you have one. I think the YMCA might be a good place to try. Mine has tai chi water classes and all sorts of other classes for other skill levels. And water. I love water and I think you still do too.
Hugs, Mom
Post a Comment