Reflection on Previous Blog Post

In my last post, I took a picture of two paragraphs. I retyped them below and follow with my thoughts on the reading.

"There is a basic trend in every person toward autonomy, toward being spontaneous and self-governing. However, many factors exert a pressure on us to let our lives be determined by outside expectations rather than inner conviction. For gay people, those outside expectations try to get us to hide or repress our difference and conform to heterosexist roles and behavior. Thank God we all have fallible parents! Through their mistakes, they force us to take stock of our lives, grow up, make personal decisions, and take responsibility for them. Thank God, too, for the fallibility of the human church--otherwise we could never distance ourselves from it and mature spiritually.

The person who has been subjected in childhood to excessive demands and expectations does not become self-governing, but can only react to what is expected. One can either conform or rebel; both of these choices are reactions to the external rather than the internal, and both result in an increase of shame and guilt."

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It seems like it would be easier to let our lives be run by expectations of others. The alternative would be forming our own ideas and opinions and deciding what we want out of life. It takes guts to run our own lives... it means questioning ourselves and our values and our morals and making something out of all that mess. Outside expectations, though they can be painful and suppressing to live by, are easy. It's easy to do something someone tells you because they say so. It's easy to follow direction and not risk having to think for yourself. But the cost is high. It's hard moving from one way of living to another. It's hard to move from a way of life where you never questioned and lived devotedly to outside expectations of parents, religion, or someone else in your life to a life where it's only you there to decide. Being able to live by your own set of expectations requires practice, confidence, and believing in yourself so strongly that nothing can shake that sense of self. It's hard. It's scary. It's risky. When something goes wrong, you can't blame anyone else. When you're sad, it's your own fault. When you let go of someone, it's on you. When you allow someone else to lead your entire existence and tell you what's what, you feel like you can blame them. When something goes wrong, it's their fault. When you're unhappy, it's because of them. In reality, it's your fault in both situations, but there's nothing to hide behind when you choose the genuine, authentic life of choosing your own destiny.

We all have fallible parents. Some of us realize this earlier than others. Some of us don't realize until a great percentage of our life is over... or maybe we've noticed and haven't been able to face it. The responsibility to grow up is ours, not our parents. It's our job to make decisions for ourselves and own the fact that we're the ones who've made them, whether the end result is positive or negative. I agree that the church is also fallible (it is run by humans after all). Those who have grown up in the church should take some time to question the things they've learned from the humans in the establishment and decide whether or not the things they've learned have been tainted by human biases or political agendas. I do not believe God intended exclusions for houses claiming to be in his name. It's our job to learn, grow, and change our churches to reflect what we believe.

Childhoods often keep a choke hold on us as we become adults. If parents thrust demands and expectations on their children and prevented questioning and understanding (excessive amounts of WHAT and not WHY), those children often struggle with autonomy. They struggle to know how to handle themselves in situations of difficulty or accusations. They are used to being told what to do, and it is uncomfortable to have to form their own ideas and opinions because they are not sure if their ideas and opinions are "right". They took what their parents said to be automatically right. Many of us come to the crossroads where we are forced to make a decision. Should we do what our parents tell us forever? Should we conform and continue to be reactionary? Should we rebel loudly, painfully, reacting in an attempt to mar our parents? Perhaps we should seek out a different path. It is difficult to make the decision to walk down a path without the strong stability of our parents, but it is necessary to find our own way in this crazy world.