To say "I hate ______" is to say a lot. Some people use the word "hate" lightly, while others mean it with every cell in their bodies when they say it. Hate is strong. Hate is painful. Hate is exhausting. Hate is real. Part of me wants to say how much I hate you; part of me knows you're sick. I have to hope in my heart that you didn't know what you were doing eleven and twelve years ago. I have to believe that people are inherently good. I have to hope that you aren't evil... though every time I think about you, I have to wonder.
I was underage. I was unhappy at home. I loved music. You took advantage. You coaxed me closer with your words... with your e-mails and poems. With your attempts to make me feel valued in a world where I felt so alone. You gave me calling cards so we could talk in secret on the phone. You opened up a world I didn't know--and shouldn't have known--even existed. I was underage. You were in a position of great power and responsibility. And you took advantage of me emotionally and physically.
We kept everything a secret. My parents didn't have to know. My friends didn't have to know. In fact, nobody could know. You sucked me into this world, where you made sure I was willing to do anything to please you. I remember the first time you made my lie to my family. I remember what happened that night. I wish I could forget. I wish I could forget the lies and years that followed. I wish I could erase you from my past. Could I have chosen to leave eventually? Yes. I didn't because I was scared. I didn't know what would happen or what you would do.
I was a victim of child seduction. You took advantage. The part I think I hate the most is that you still interact with children. You shouldn't have the opportunity. The way you made things exciting by acting right under the nose of authority makes me violently ill to contemplate. The only thing that has kept me going all of this time is looking forward to a future that I can only hope is bright. My years with you yielded my darkest days. To insist there was never laughter or smiling would be false; however, I can insist that a relationship with a student, especially one 20 years younger than you, is appalling and absolutely wrong. Part of me wishes I would have turned you over to the authorities because as much as you would have denied the allegations, you and I both know I was under the age of 18. There's not much else I can publicly say about this situation, other than I wish someone would have told on my behalf. I can anticipate the emotions I would have felt at the time, but I would have been safe, and you would not still have a teaching license. I would have had free will, not brainwashing, to decide who I gave myself to. I feel like I've missed out on something I can literally never get back.
<3 KMS
4 comments:
Karen, I don't know what to say. It sounds as if you've lanced a boil and some of the poison is leaving you. I hope it is so. I care and I admire your courage to write this.
Thank you so much Nancy. I "lanced this boil" several years back, but it helps to really journal it out. It's hard for me when I see news stories that parallel my own past experiences. I'm in a far better place and will continue to grow moving forward. :-)
I'm glad you are able to talk about this. It was a tough time as the remainder of our family split apart and you were turning away from me. I tried to figure out what to do and no answer was good as you were so close to 18. She does not need to be working with children of any age. It is possible, at some personal cost, to make it stop even now. I love you. I have always loved you.
Love you too. I believe everyone did the best they could, and hindsight is always 20/20.
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