The Beast Inside

We have all experienced (or are experiencing) challenges in life. I like to share my past and present difficulties with other people in hopes that their insight can help me or in hopes that my experiences can help them deal with their situations/issues. People have come to me with problems seeking advice since young adulthood, and I like to help when/if I can by looking at situations with logic, reason, and my heart.

When I was younger (middle school and high school), I experienced a lot of anger. At times I was like a fireball inside. It felt like the sun was burning full force within. On the outside, I would look brooding or pensive or maybe even be smiling. I became an expert at smiling when I wasn't actually happy. (Don't get me wrong--there were still many moments of happiness and genuine smiles, but that's not what I'm focusing on at the moment.) When something upset or angered me, I internalized it. I stuffed it down inside, keeping my feelings to myself. Like a volcano, the temperature inside would rise as more hot angry lava was dumped inside. I would pressurize and eventually explode, sometimes seemingly over something small. At times others would witness the explosion, and sometimes I would go through it alone. I would scream or hit myself or just burst emotionally. I would get angry when people fought with each other, when I couldn't play a passage correctly on my instrument after repeatedly trying, when I felt helpless against situations in my life, when I experienced disappointment, etc.

Some healthy ways I started to manage and channel my feelings were through music-making, journaling extensively, writing tons of poetry and stories, and talking to my best friends about things (but this didn't help overnight). The bad part about being an implosive person is that it's easy not to deal with things or talk through your feelings. Talking through feelings, even if challenging, leads to emotional maturity and the realization that we aren't alone in whatever we're going through or dealing with. It has taken years to find a way to manage anger, but I'm at a place now in my life where I deal extraordinarily well, especially considering the place at which I started my deal-with-anger journey. I've also learned that if something is making me that upset or angry, it doesn't have a place in my life or my world. Getting rid of the sources of frustration and anger have allowed me to live in a much happier mindset. I am often pensive, but no longer implosive or silent when something is bothering me. A fire is far easier to extinguish when it's the size of a lit match as opposed to a house engulfed in seething rage.

When I realize I am painfully depressed, upset, or "seeing red", I start by taking some deep, cleansing breaths. Then, I analyze who or what the problem is. Sometimes it's me (my perspective, my assumptions), and sometimes it's someone else (whom I cannot control anyway). If it's me, I try to work through it and adjust my perspective on the situation. I try to see things through someone else's eyes and imagine what it must be like to be them. I try to be patient, though that is often a challenge. I try to be helpful and roll with the punches. Sometimes it's the other person and there's not much you can do other than adjust your outlook on things. Sometimes you have to remember that "this too shall pass" and things will work out in the end.

<3 KMS